2:12 am.
i knew it was going to happen. it was inevitable, right? he's in puget sound, i'm 25 hours away in san diego. as soon as he told me about her i knew they'd end up together. i knew it was impractical, i knew i should have left it at summer and not hoped for more. this played out almost exactly as i predicted.
so why does it still hurt so fucking much?
it's like that scene in "before sunrise" when they're playing pinball. jesse says "when someone breaks up with you, you'd like to think that it's as painful for them as it is for you, but then you remember all those people you broke up with and how you never really gave them a second thought, and then you realize that's how they're feeling about you right now."
we weren't even officially together, but the phone calls on a regular basis (i could tell what day of the week it was by when we last spoke) definitely implied that it was more than a friendship.
when he told me about her, i asked, "do you still want to talk?" and he acted all suprised, as if this was normal, no innuendo or implications. i told him to cut the crap, that i talked to him more than i talked to any of my other friends. he said "yeah, i still want to know how you're doing".
we haven't spoken since that conversation. not only can i not handle it, i just don't think he cares.
he told me he didn't want to "crush my hopes", he said "i hate making people feel bad." i didn't give him the satisfaction of thinking i was fine with it... it wasn't about guilt tripping, it was just about being real. "i'm not going to lie about how i feel about you, francis." i didn't cry (at least not then) and i didn't say anything else except "i want you to do what makes you happy," because those were the words autoprogrammed into my head.
he felt awkward, stumbled over his words, apologized. i let him do it, i wasn't going to save him from awkwardness in this situation. telling someone you don't miss them anymore is awkward, and i didn't feel like smoothing it over.
he compared me to some underclassman he had dated the year before, renata, and how he had lead her on and didn't want to do that to me. i wanted to scream "it was nothing like that!!! we had a crazyintensepassionateinlove summer fling! don't tell me that you told her she had the perfect body and that you loved spending time with her and that you thought you were falling for her. and that you loved her. do you just tell every girl you kiss that you love her? we were different..."
but then i realized that to him it's the same now, because he's moved on to someone new, and renata and i are just blurs, barely distinguishible. i know that if we were together in the same city, we'd probably still be together. but we're not. and this is my reality now. we won't be together over thanksgiving, or winter break- one less thing to look forward to. she lives in the bay area, so i'll probably run into them in palo alto. them as a couple. she'll come and hang out and meet all his friends. and maybe by then i'll have moved on, but maybe not. and i'll push out a smile and say "nice to meet you, i've heard so much about you," and then go home and try not to cry, but inevitably fail.
he said he didn't want to hurt me, and i just told him i'd been hurt before and that i'd get over it. he was basically asking him to forgive him for hurting me, but for me it wasn't about that at all. it didn't matter whether i forgave him or not because i'm not really in his life anymore. who knows how many more times we'll see each other? that's the reason we aren't together. i felt like he was asking forgiveness to ease his own conscience, although i'll never really understand why. i think i keep casting him in my mind as this heartless character, when really i've been in the exact same position and done the exact same thing.
the distance is a strain, i know that. and i know that he probably meant every word he said to me at the time. i also know that if i had met someone else first, i probably would be way over it by now.
but i'm not, and this is my reality. i love this school, i love my friends. but all of a sudden my world is a little bit colder, knowing that there isn't someone who thinks about me before he falls asleep. i hate that i still miss him, that if he told me he wasn't with her i'd be elated and start planning out winter break again. i hate how much power his words have over me. most of all, i hate that he knows how much he's hurting me. i wish i could hide it, but that just isn't my style. i wear all my emotions on the outside- it's the day to day stuff i keep hidden.
i know i'll get over it. i'll find someone new, someone who i'll fall for just as hard. but in the meantime, in the journey between now and then...it's hurting. and every day gets a little easier, and i've stopped crying about it, and i smile and carry on as usual. but then i remember and i feel a twinge in my stomach again. and who knows whether if i had been at puget sound, or if he had been at san diego, how long we would have lasted? or if at all? maybe it's better this way- we had an amazing two weeks- he made a point of saying that when we talked. we both enjoyed ourselves a lot. despite everything, i don't regret a moment of it. i learned that i have the capacity for real, pure romance. who knew?
it's 2:47 am. i have class in about six hours. i still miss him, but i don't think i'm as angry. i'm going to be okay. i will.
naomi
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juniper_rain's journal
